Welcome to the waiting room: a guide for every other fan in the Premier League
Liverpool, Arsenal and the rest: you've been vindicated. Your prize is to wait an unspecified amount of time to find out what that means.
By D. McGrain
1 min readSatire — fiction. Nothing here is a factual claim
This is satire. The jokes are invented; the underlying facts are taken only from the sourced news report linked at the end. No real person quoted below said these words, because nobody is quoted.
You waited years for the verdict. It arrived. You celebrated. Then someone explained the word 'appeal', and now you are back in the waiting room, holding a ticket with no number on it, next to a pile of magazines from 2018.
Liverpool fans
You sang 'going down' at the champions-elect while they beat you 3-0 at Anfield. This is the most Premier League sentence ever written, and we'd like it framed in the National Football Museum.
Arsenal fans
Every second-place finish of the last decade is now a 'what if'. We suggest a support group. Meetings are private and confidential until publication of the outcome is permitted.
Everyone else
Spurs, Everton, Palace, United, Chelsea: you are welcome to be outraged too, but please take a numbered ticket. Your club's accounts may be next to get a closer look, and the Premier League would like everyone to keep calm and keep buying shirts.
The serious bit
Ordinary supporters on every side are waiting on a process they can't see, with no published timetable, while the season carries on regardless. A league that wanted fans' trust might start by telling them roughly when they'll find out. The sourced facts are in our news report.
Sources & references
- Manchester City FC appeal decision of independent Commission — Premier League, 2 October 2026
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